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A panic has gripped the Department of Cognitive Sciences following the alleged disappearance of graduate student Leo Finch’s doctoral thesis, titled “The Epistemology of Procrastination.” According to Finch, the 300-page document developed a high degree of survival instinct and agency after being repeatedly printed and shredded during a month-long writing binge.
Finch claims he placed the completed manuscript on his desk moments before the 4:00 PM deadline, only to find the desk empty when he returned from refilling his coffee. “It decided it wasn’t ready for the real world yet,” Finch stated, eyes wide with exhaustion.
The paper trail has led to bizarre discoveries: a crumpled page of Chapter 3 found attempting to disguise itself as a crumpled wrapper in a campus bin, and a footprint analysis suggesting a large stack of paper "crawled" away.
Professor Eleanor Vance, Finch's supervisor, is demanding a re-write based on the thesis’s "successful demonstration of its own theoretical framework: extreme, self-preserving delay." The campus library has since issued a warning to all students: “Do not make your work too self-aware. We are not equipped to check out existential dread.” The document remains at large.
